Chapter 4 of #sorrynotsorry


    After that mishap, I didn’t let that keep me down. I wouldn’t let anything get me down anymore. I was the most energetic, positive person I had been in a long time and I didn’t want that to change. After being single for almost five months I thought it was time to get back in the game. My friend had introduced me to an app called tinder. It was basically a dating game designed to find you a match just on looks. Even though the idea sounded ridiculous to me, I thought why not, what’s the worst that could happen. I ended up meeting a shit ton of really cute guys. I couldn’t believe it this shit that Ashton Kutcher created actually worked. I went on many dates but only one guy from tinder really stuck with me. And we are going to call him Clark Kent. It had been a long time since I went on dates with guys or actually had any kind of feelings for men in general. Clark and I decided to go out one night with a group of our friends combined so it wouldn’t be weird and if he was a serial killer I would have my friends there with me to kick his ass. When we finally met I could tell the look on his face and I’m sure he could tell on mine that we were both relieved by the fact that we were both who we looked like in our profile pictures on tinder. Step one was a go and I was excited to see where the night would take us. 

     We went out to a local club and I was kind of nervous. All my friends were meeting this guy for the first time as was I. I cared about what my friends thought and as the night progressed I started to warm up a little bit more and so did Clark. At one point we were talking really close and flirting and he had his arm around me and in that moment I didn’t know if this was the moment he would kiss me for the first time. Yes, I know we were moving pretty fast, but in this day and age it’s a lot different. We don’t wait 3 days to call someone or 3 months to have sex with someone. Our generation are a bunch of animals who can’t even watch a 30 second commercial. Our society was fast based so our love lives became that way too. And in that moment here it came he pulled me close with his arm around my lower back and kissed me. And I actually liked it, like really liked it. I can always tell if I like a guy by the first kiss. You just feel something or you don’t and I defiantly felt something. Either it was my heart or something below but either way Clark kent had me sold. 

     After that night, I was kind of hooked and so was he. I wasn’t use to all of this attention. And it made me kind of scared. It was easier for me to want all of this in my head but in real life I was like a deer in head lights. So, what did I do? Well, I ran from the situation and blew him off a lot. To tell you the truth I didn’t know how to handle my feelings. Looking back I really did have a crush I think but the whole moving so fast thing kind of had me a little taken back. Clark was relentless in seeing me and deep down I wanted to see him too. So, he texted me one night and asked to go out with him to a bar and I thought why the fuck not. I needed to stop turning him down and go out with him. I have one life to live and dammit I’m going to live it. I told myself I won’t stay late and I’ll drive my own car. I had talked myself into it. Clark and I arranged a meeting, and I was so damn nervous. It had occurred to me that I didn’t know how to be single, I didn’t even know how to properly go on a date. This would be my first date since sociopath and I was a nervous wreck. I thought about canceling a thousand and one times but with that attitude I would never meet anyone. I gave myself a pep talk and put on a cute outfit I was ready to do this. We had been talking a lot before meeting up and I felt like we had a lot in common and maybe this would be the guy, the right guy. We had arranged a meeting at a local bar. As I drove to the bar I kept thinking what he was going to be like without his friends, what I would say, and do I kiss him and take initiative or does he kiss me again? All these questions were making me so frazzled I was losing my mind. So, what better way to ease my mind then to get a drink. I stopped at the nearest gas station and bought a four loko. Side note* these drinks equal death and a horrible hangover. * We met at his house so we could ride together. When I got there he came down to get me and then walked me up to his apartment. What a gentleman I thought. Before getting to his house I disposed of the 4 loko evidence so he wouldn’t know what I was up too. Because that would be embarrassing having to explain I needed a drink to make it to his house without having a nervous breakdown. When I walked in he offered me a drink and In my head I thought I couldn’t and I shouldn’t because I drank a whole tin can of death already I didn’t need any more alcohol. But I didn’t want to be rude and I thought I could just fake drink it. Now looking back this was such a dumb idea. By the time we got to the bar I was just a little bit buzzed and thought shit do these 4 lokos even work? I was so pissed that I wasn’t even that drunk that I downed a whole vodka soda right then and there. I think Clark got the hint I was a tad bit uncomfortable and so he did his best to make me feel better. He held my hand, put his arm around me and gave me tons of forehead kisses. He was PERFECT. **Side note: forehead kisses are the way to every woman’s heart. Him just showing me that kind of affection made me feel wanted. And I hadn’t felt that way in a long time. But this magical time was about to be ruined. 

      All of a sudden I started seeing doubles and I knew immediately that the four loko was finally hitting me. I excused myself to the bathroom. I had to get it together, I was not going to make a fool of myself. I sat in the stall and gave myself another pep talk which consisted of, “don’t throw up, don’t throw up, hold it in!” I knew I wasn’t going to get better. So the only logical thing I could do now was the obvious, drink more. Maybe if I drank more than the pukey feeling would go away and I would just be super hammered. Damn, my logic is ridiculous sometimes. So drunk Ali knew what she had to do. I drank a shit ton that night. It was now 1 in the morning and Clark wanted to go to another bar. And I know I wanted to also, but my stomach was telling me otherwise. I was feeling fucked up and I knew I had to go home. There was no more hiding it anymore. So, I spilled my guts and told him everything, about how I drank the 4 loko becasue I was nervous and how I didn’t want to be rude by turning down his drink. I couldn’t shut up. It was like that part in the Goonies where chunk was spilling his guts to the bad guys. Except I could barely talk let alone see out of my eyes. He put his arm around me and walked me/carried me to the car. He could tell in my eyes I was done for. He was so sweet to me the whole ride home because he could tell I was sick and not feeling well. As he drove my car he held my hand all the way back to his place as I tried to hold the puke in. He carried me to his front door, as he was carrying me I thought to myself this guy was like a superhero, my superman. He barely knew me yet he was trying his best to make me feel better. When he put me down to unlock his front door, I felt a whole lot of something erupting in my stomach and before I knew it I puked all over his front door. God, I know so embarrassing. when we got into his apartment I puked some more in his bathroom and then passed out in his guest room. I must of made some second impression. 

      I woke up in the same fashion as I did in Tommy’s house not knowing where I was and with the same clothes on as last night. I was mortified. Completely embarrassed. I had to get out of there before he woke up. I got out of bed and peaked out the bedroom door, it was all clear. It was move it or lose it time. And I was not going to lose it. Time to put a little pep in my step. As I was getting all my stuff Clark popped his head into the door, I was so nervous I didn’t really know what he was going to say. To my surprise he had a cup of water and advil and told me to lay down. I took the offer because I was feeling not so good. I laid back down and he came in the bed too. I know I barely knew him but It didn’t feel wrong or weird I liked what I was feeling. He rubbed my back and all of a sudden his hands started rearing off course. I didn’t really know if I should let this happen or not but my hormones did their own talking. You all know what happened I’m not going to spell it out for you. This date I guess didn’t turn out all that bad if you leave out the puking on his front door part. As we hung out and talked a little bit that morning, I realized it was my time to go home. He kissed me goodbye and the whole ride home I was stunned. Like what just happened?! I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I guess that’s where the term yolo comes in. There was no time to feel like a whore because we all do it. We all have one night stands and you know what that’s okay. We’re young so let’s act like it and be reckless because it’s the time to do it. Clark and I hung out a couple more times before he went back to school. I started to realize along the way that he wasn’t the guy I was going to end up with in the long run but I would never know because I didn’t really put as much effort into our “fling” as I should. I was just too afraid of being hurt and letting my guard down with someone new. Some part of me wanted him to be that guy and it would all be rainbows and butterflies because that would just make life seem a lot simpler. But I knew deep down that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, it wasn’t my time yet. I couldn’t even go on a date sober because I was so scared. I had to dial it back and just enjoy the single life. I enjoyed the quiet time I had with myself where I really got to sit down and just think. It didn’t really matter what I was thinking about it just mattered to me that I had the free time to do it and it made me happy. I had realized that Clark Kent was just another mile in my race and I would get to the finish line. But I would always remember superman coming to my pukey rescue. Here’s another lesson, single is not a status, it is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on a man. 

Stay tuned next Monday when sociopath makes a reappearance! 

Hashtag #sorrynotsorry on social media when done reading!!

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