I have officially lost every single brain cell I had left. I can’t believe what I am doing right now. I’m gripping the wheel so tight because I know if I loosen my grip just a little bit I’ll turn around. So, many emotions are rushing through my head, I can’t believe I thought this was a good idea. As I start to rear around the corner my breathing becomes almost so light that I could loose consciousness at any minute. I stop in front of the small house, where I see a car that looks so familiar. I turn off the engine and I wait. Regret, pain, anxiety, fear all tangle in and out of my body as I sit trembling waiting for the moment of truth. I turn and there he is… Sociopath. What have I done.
Okay I know what you’re thinking I’m a maniac with no ounce of self control or the ability to walk away from a fight. I put myself in the worst situations so it’s my fault. This whole thing is my fault, I did it to myself. Well, that’s what some said but at the moment I turned right back into the young, naive girl I use to know that believed in second chances and that people are good underneath. What a crock of shit. If you’ve been reading you would know Sociopath moved back to florida and we were sort of in contact for like five seconds until he proved to be the same exact psychopath with a girlfriend whom he lied about having, what a great guy I know. Days passed after our little run in over the phone where he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, to where then I took the initiative to block him, good riddance. But one night I was drunk and all these cloudy thoughts entered my mind. Why after all these years does this guy get to come back in and have the nerve to say these things to me. He left me with all my feelings to squander as I had to pick up the pieces by myself and make sense of what had happened to me. He never apologized for anything he had ever done and I was just suppose to deal with that? I never had any closure from my horrible, and tumultuous break up. I needed to see him, I needed him to say sorry and I needed to move on from that part of my life forever. I un-blocked him and I texted him a very long text saying basically that we should meet and talk I deserved something after all these years of heartbreak and I was going to get it.
The night rolled around where it came time to do this thing. Seeing Sociopath after all these years I didn’t know how I was going to react. So, I put a bat in my trunk just in case, True story. I decided it was best to go to a public place because being alone with him was not something I wanted at all. Deep down I knew what I was doing was such a mistake but I needed this closure, I needed to see him and give him the ole fuck you, and move on with my life. I was so nervous at that moment in time because I don’t even know how this could go. My mind is legit shutting down. I’m outside of his house now and I can’t breathe, this is probably one of the hardest things I would have to do in my life. Because if you got a chance to look into the devils eyes, what would you say? what would you do? I turned my car off because every noise made me more panicky. Looking at the clock and the numbers switching made me want to smash the dashboard. I opened the door to breathe fresh air and there he was. I have no words for you to describe the feeling I felt in that moment. I stood there frozen with fear, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk. He ran to me and picked me up and held me. I don’t cry, I never actually cry, some say I have a problem dealing with my emotions but in that moment I cried. I let him hold me, I felt his love for me throughout my whole body that it actually brought me to tears. I said no words, the only thing you could hear was my sobbing as I stood there powerless. I was crying because he won in that moment he won again and I felt weak again. I wasn’t crying because I missed him I was crying at myself for letting everything that was about to happen, happen even if I didn’t know it yet. I opened Pandora’s box and let me just say Pandora is a bitch.
We drove to a restaurant and we drank some beer and he decided to tell me he was so sorry and all this bullshit. And I was guarded but not guarded enough. I knew that this guy was not a good guy but yet I listened to his apology and my brain took it. I look back and he never really gave me any of the answers I wanted. He wanted to say sorry to make himself feel better not me. Deep down I hated him, but all his shmoosing made that part fall deeper and deeper into my mind to where I forgot all about my hate, he was good, really good. He got up to go to the bathroom as he turned to leave he came back grabbed my face and kissed me. He kissed me the way every girl wants to be kissed like you’re never going to see each other again. He held onto me and I was gone. He poisoned me that easily. Ali, the strong, brave warrior was gone. I was slowly sinking into dangerous waters and It didn’t occur to me until it was too late. He turned off the switch I had on for so long , my walls were down in enemy territory. The night ended and he basically was in love with me . I was happy because I knew it, I knew he was sorry and that he loved me and maybe he did change. Maybe after all these years without me he realized he was wrong and he wanted me in his life. Weeks went by and we spent every weekend together against all my friends and families wishes but I stuck up for him, pleading to whoever would listen he changed. But I knew deep down in my heart that this was all going to implode eventually I just didn’t know how bad it was going to be. I would tell people that I was just using him for sex and that if he were to leave me again I wouldn’t care because I’m over it. I was lying to myself and everyone around me trying to pretend like this situation was good and not bad. But it was unhealthy and wrong and every time my conscious came out to say hello I would push it away because the hunger to be with him and to win was too strong. He told me that he wanted to be with me and the girl he was cheating on me with who became his girlfriend was in the past. Side note: Are we all shaking our heads together after that sentence because that punk ass is a liar.
Back to the story, it was my roommates birthday and she wanted to go downtown and I was so excited to go, all my friends were going. I got home from work and since work Sociopath was ignoring me basically all day. He wouldn’t answer my calls, texts, nothing. I knew something was wrong just like before. I knew it but to say it out loud would make it true. After getting ready in hyper speed because my anxiety was through the roof I decided to do what I did two years ago to get the truth, go on face book and lurk until I get some answers. I went into my roommates bathroom and I used her computer as I sat on the floor my fingers trembled across the keyboard. My heart feeling like it could beat right out of my chest. And the page came up and it was déjà vu all over again. Right in front of me was Sociopath with the girlfriend he “broke up” with when clearly they didn’t. My roommate saw it and before she could say anything I said I was fine and left the bathroom. I called him again and he answered, he did this to me again I was done. And the best part he didn’t even say sorry. I didn’t cry, I didn’t talk I stood in my closet and consoled myself because my friends were too busy to care. I held myself and told myself over and over again, “I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care about him.” No one cared about what just happened and maybe if someone gave me a hug or didn’t push my feelings to the side what was about to happen wouldn’t have. Yasmeen finally came over and did her best to give me great pep talks but I kept saying I was fine. I needed to get out of my house before I broke down a door or punched a wall. I blocked his number and got in my car with yasmeen and drove downtown almost in silence. I had absolutely nothing left in me, no feelings nothing they were gone. Everything that was bandaged up from Drew was torn open as if I was sitting there in my car with a bullet hole to the chest. We got into the club and everything happened so fast. I couldn’t breathe it was as if the walls were closing in on me. In that moment I knew going out was a bad idea. Usually going out with your friends after a punk ass bitch breaks your heart is great, but when your torn apart this many times I guess it’s not that great of an idea. I went to the bathroom because if I could just think and breathe in the stall by myself I could do this, I could celebrate my friend’s birthday. I left the bathroom and it was worse. I have to get out of here, this is too much for me. My heart is racing. I can’t breathe. My lungs feel like they are about to explode out of my chest. I ran out of the club to the fresh air, I was starting to not be able to see straight and when your sober thats not a good sign. I was having a panic attack and the last time I had one of those I was 16. I guess holding all your feelings inside does take its toll on you. I held my chest as if I was drowning under water I got to my car and I sat there and noises started to come out of me, and I realized I was crying, like Really crying to the point to which I needed help. I started driving I needed to get to my house, I needed my mom. I needed my mom so much in this moment. I’m hysterically crying to the point where I’m gasping for air because It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. He broke me and I let him again. I get to the bridge and I think maybe it would just be easier to drive off it because then I wouldn’t have to deal with these feelings. I was so hurt I wanted to drive off a bridge. I thought maybe it would be easier, I didn’t want to feel anything, nothing at all. Trying to breathe was like trying to move a building, with every breath harder and harder, I think I’m going to die, someone help me.
** Here’s a lesson you never know what someone is going through, a hug is a lot stronger than words.
If that didn’t get you in the feels, part two is next week, stay tuned.