Chapter 13 part two #sorrynotsorry


      I’m sitting here watching the lights change from green to yellow and then to red. And I realize I haven’t moved in over 10 minutes. I was paralyzed. My tears could fill an  entire ocean, the more I cried the more I couldn’t breathe. The more I thought about how he destroyed me again I wanted to drive off that bridge. I knew better, I knew better then to get involved again. I mean shit that’s how this whole damn book started. As I sat there in my car, gripping the steering wheel, trying to calm myself down from this panic attack I thought  back to when I was a kid.
      When I was three years old I decided I wanted to be an actress when I grew up. I wanted to be just like Dorothy. I would dance and sing around my house, “follow the yellow brick road,” until my mom couldn’t take it anymore. When I was eight I decided when I grew up I wanted to be a singer just like Britney spears. When I was 12 I remember I was in class and I was writing the most epic comedy thriller of how my classmates all get killed off one by one. Yeah, I had a crazy imagination. My teacher thought I wasn’t paying attention which I wasn’t so he took my paper and decided to read it to the class to embarrass me but what happened next was pure spark. My story had the whole class mesmerized. My teacher was so intrigued by how a 12 year old could write such good stuff. And that was the moment I knew I wanted to be a writer. And as I got older I had other dreams and goals but not one of them was to be weak and powerless. So, when I look back and remember my dreams, my plans, my happiness, this moment of me contemplating driving off a bridge seems almost ridiculous. But the pain that is pouring out of me is almost unbearable.

       In that moment my phone rang and who was on the other end of it is someone I like to think saved my life even if she didn’t know it at the time. In my whole 21 years of being on this planet, my friend gave me the best pep talk of all time. My friends don’t ever see me cry, so when she heard me break down almost immediately, she was there for me unlike everyone else. I drove back to my house in complete silence because I knew if I talked or listened to music I would cry again. I ran inside grabbed everything I needed, I got my cat and left and didn’t look back. It was now three in the morning and all I wanted was my mom. No matter how old you get when shit gets rough you’ll always need your mom. As I pulled up to my mom’s house It started to rain. I tried the garage code and it wasn’t working and I didn’t have my key to open the screen to even get to the front door. I called every number to try and wake them up, but nothing. I could feel my panic attack coming back. I could feel tears running down my face. And there I was so close to my family but yet so far away in that moment. I stood there holding my cat in the rain, crying not knowing what to do. I turned around to leave and I heard the door open. It was my mom. She took me in her arms. I couldn’t even talk I just cried hysterically as my breathing was starting to level out. She didn’t ask any questions, she just took me to my room and held me as I cried. This was one of the hardest moments in my life.
     Days passed and I stayed at my parents house a lot. It was how I learned to heal myself. It was hard but I had Yasmeen and Melissa always there ready with the great inspirational talks. I learned all over again what it felt like to get back to being strong. I learned the importance of being alone and being in a positive atmosphere with people that love you. I learned again the importance of loving yourself first before any guy. After two months I was me again, I was happy, and I felt good. That was the last time I ever let anyone break me. Can we all just sing the baddest girl power Christina Aguilera song because it fits for this part of the story all together now, “Made me learn a little bit faster,made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter so thanks for making me a fighter.”

    I knew I was back to normal when a very cute firefighter walked in to my place of work to save little baby ducks stuck in a drain. My eyes were glued on him and in that moment Ali was back.

Finally done with all the heart wrenching drama, tune in next week to get back to the good stuff 😏

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