Chapter 14 #sorrynotsorry


      White wine fever & assholes 

No dating for one year. It should be simple right? And it wasn’t like I had the urge to date anyone anyways. I didn’t even want to have sex with anyone, I just couldn’t do it. Whenever things got serious I ran the other way, so then when I found myself actually starting to like this one guy, I didn’t know what to do. So, what did I do you ask? Well, I blew him off a lot. It was easier to do that then actually hang out with him and start to like him more. But I couldn’t help it, he was so sweet and always had the nicest things to say he genuinely seemed interested in me and maybe this guy was the right guy and I was running away again like I did so many times. I finally caved in and started hanging out with him. He was funny, he was a gentleman, we always had something to talk about. I remember the first time we hung out at his house which was totally me winging it, he turned me towards him and kissed me. And I was thinking damn he’s pretty balsy being this is the first time we’ve really hung out. But I didn’t mind it, the way he kissed me there was something poetic about it. I could feel like he was a romantic and an old soul. The way he held my face, and moved my hair behind my ear I wanted more. By the way boys those are the little things that we like.  We kissed at that was it, I wanted to throw my whole no dating rule in the garbage after that night.
     We started hanging out more but one thing led to another just like it always does because no one can ever keep in their pants and I was about to go head first into uncharted waters. I can’t believe I was about to abandon my no sex rule. Why did he have to be so sweet, and say all the right things. Well, you guessed it, “it” happened and it was actually awesome, made me re think all my new rules. I had a thing for this guy before but come on I’m a girl you have sex with me I’m going to start having feelings for you in one way or another. I’m not like a boy I just can’t sleep around and not catch a feeling or two. Days after that incident, we talked here and there but here I was get getting cold feet again. I wanted so badly not to like this guy, I didn’t want to get hurt, I didn’t want to put myself in another situation to where I would get hurt again. We went out one night a group of us and he basically acted like he was my boyfriend. There’s a fine line between flirting and going out of your way to make a girl feel good. After all these months staying clear of feelings here I go again and I couldn’t shake it. And the one thing that bothers me so much is not knowing what I am with someone. Call me OCD or anal but shit I need to know if it’s just me and you talking and no one else so then I can commit to you and not hang out with other guys. If this is just a friendship, let me know so I can treat you like one of my friends. If you like me, tell me and if you’re not feeling it let me know because I don’t want to be wasting my time when there are far better things I could be doing then getting to know someone temporarily. And so of course drunk Ali, said something along those lines and that’s when shit got fucked up. He decided we should talk in person about what I said when I was drunk and I kind of didn’t know if I really wanted to have this conversation. The little bubble I was living in lately was nice and I didn’t want it to pop.
     We weren’t even dating but I felt like I was driving to my inevitable doom of being broken up with, thats what it feels like when someone says, “we should talk.” So, the only way I knew how to handle that was to bring a bottle of wine with me, here goes nothing. As we sat there in the room I’ve been in so many times it kind of felt empty this time. I could tell something bad was going to happen and here I was literally sitting in the line of fire.  Do you want to know why I write everything out? It’s because I cannot talk out loud about my feelings, I get this whole nervous twitch and then I start talking 10,000 miles a minute in circles, it’s awful. And here I was trying to have an adult conversation about what we are and I couldn’t even speak without fumbling my words. It basically went like this, “I like you, and you should just tell me if you like me, because if you don’t then this is just one big waste of my time, and I don’t like wasting my time, and you are making me really nervous and I don’t remember what the point I was trying to make, so I’m going to stop talking now.” Yeah it was like that times 10 and drunk. The night ended and we came to the conclusion that we weren’t dating but that we wouldn’t hook up with other people and I was okay with that because I was NOT ready for a boyfriend, shit I wasn’t even ready for the next day. So, now your thinking yay Ali finally found someone now we can stop reading about her life, no he’s an asshole. Probably one of the biggest I have met in awhile. Would you believe that after that night of our little talk I did not hear from him again. Yes, let’s all take in the stupidity of my decisions together.
    I was baffled. This sweet guy turned out to be  a complete jerk. But I mean are we really all surprised? That’s what I attract for some reason. They do this whole act of being a nice guy and then when things get serious they are nowhere to be found. I wasn’t hurt I just felt stupid for falling for it again. what did I learn from this experience; 1. stop drinking so much white wine, 2. I am doomed to the life of assholes, 3. Work on how to talk like an adult. But really I look back and I wasn’t ready either for commitment thank god he ran because it would have been me sooner or later. And I really did not feel like running. 


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