Chapter 18 #sorrynotsorry

                    Dear Drew,

   I have come to the conclusion that I fucked up. You guys are probably like finally, she just now realized this. Well, yeah I did. I have also come to the conclusion that my friend that I thought I liked and had all these feelings for I don’t. I guess it was just what it was, two friends that hooked up and at the end of the day that’s fine with me. I keep having these dreams every night, I wake up in the middle of the night with chills. The whole next day I can’t stop thinking , and over thinking about these dreams and what they mean. It’s been one month like this and I can’t shake them.

    So I finally realized maybe I run away from every good thing because of my past with sociopath. Maybe deep down sub-consciously I think I don’t deserve anything good. I look back at all of my relationships and only two of them were real and full of love and what did I do… I ran as far as I could when things got serious. I use to think it was just me growing up and these boys would never be my husband and this is just what kids do, they date obnoxiously their whole life until finally someone puts them in their place and that’s it you’re taken. I pushed Will away because I thought I needed to grow up on my own. And years later I still pushed him away. Then I met Drew and I thought finally this is it, I don’t have to run and what did I do , I ran. I made myself believe all these excuses to make it easier for me to run away. I told myself I didn’t like him and that this was just an in between phase for me even though I truly loved him. I told myself I was just settling. And now I look back and I can’t believe I would let my past come in between me and another man again. 

  So, I’m sorry to you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry that I left you confused and frustrated with me. I’m sorry I’m not good with my emotions. I’m sorry I ran away from you so many times. And most importantly I’m sorry for letting you fall Inlove with me. I let go and didn’t think about my past for a solid two months and then when things got serious I backed off from you, I got nervous. I started fighting with you for no reason because it was easier for me to do that then to talk about it. It was easier for me to hurt you then to get hurt myself. And when I finally left you for good I was okay. For a little bit. 

     I missed my friend. I missed the person I spent my time with. I missed the late nights where we would laugh so hard I litterally would pee my pants. I know so gross but it happened.  I missed the intellectual conversations. I missed just doing absolutely nothing and still having so much fun. I missed my homework partner, my dinner partner, my late night wine binger. I just missed you. And once I had you back, what did I do, everyone together now, “she ran!” 

     I told you all these reasons why we couldn’t be together, why I couldn’t be in a relationship, but really I just needed you to slap the stupid out of me. Because clearly that’s not what I wanted. I clearly wanted you.  And now the only way I know how to talk is this way since I can’t talk to you directly. These dreams I’ve been having, they’re always about you. Maybe they’re telling me I fucked up and to get you back somehow. And if it were the 80’s I would go to your house stand outside your window with a boom box and play the greatest songs ever because that’s how I know how to say sorry, the most unconventional ways. Maybe my dreams are just telling me I miss you and to leave it alone. I don’t know, I clearly am so bad at all of this. But what I do know are three things.

1. I miss you 

2. I’m sorry

3. I do love you 


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